Dear Admiral  Banes,

My name is Lawrence Christensen and I am a Lieutenant-Commander in your Navy. I enlisted as a young man at age 22 years and through much dedication and hard work have achieved my present rank. When I was promoted I received a new uniform and hat. The uniform is of impeccable quality, but the hat is lopsided. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but whenever I address the men they all laugh at me and say things like, “Here comes Lopsided Larry” or “Let’s shove a burning candle in Larry’s ass and kick him down the stairs”.

So I am officially submitting a request for a new hat.

Sincerely,

Lieutenant-Commander Lawrence Christensen
Naval District 1
Canada

True Love

 

I remember the first time I laid eyes upon her. I kind of smiled and thought, “One of these days, I’m going to brush my teeth”.

The Haunted Chair

The first time I saw it was in a consignment place down by the docks. It looked like a really good chair and I had been saving up all summer so I bought it.

I took it home and sat it in the living room and everything seemed fine. It was around three weeks later some really weird stuff started happening. The chair began to wobble around all by itself. No word of a lie. And I’d find it in different places all over the house. One night I was sleeping and I heard a commotion so I grabbed my flashlight and headed down the stairs. And there was that chair with a big knife in it and blood pouring out all over the living room. Well, fuck it. That was enough for me. The very next day I loaded it onto the back of the old truck and headed on down to the railway bridge. I hurled it over the side and remember breathing a sigh of relief as I watched the legs get swallowed up by the current.

But when I got home I was in for the shock of my life, for as I opened the door, there, right before my eyes, was a drunken Charlie Sheen urinating in my sink.

THE END

Precious Memories….

I always used to wonder whatever possessed Patsy to run into that burning house like she did. Later on in life I realized that she just wanted get away from me because I wouldn’t shut up.

Wow.

 I guess some things just never leave you.

Some people sure have alot of nerve. I was driving down the street the other day when I saw this woman brazenly pull into a handicapped parking space and proceed to get out of her vehicle. So I stopped and said, “Excuse me, but what the Hell gives you the right to park in that spot?”. Of course she looked at me like she didn’t understand, and let me tell you, that got me pretty mad. So I got out of my truck and walked right up to her, grabbed the back of her wheelchair, and shoved her down the steep hill into oncoming traffic. Then I got back into my H2 and proceeded to bash her little environmentally friendly hybrid car into a wadded pulp so I could park. I wanted a latte and there was no way in Hell I was walking a half a block in the rain as it would have ruined my new boots.

Country Memories

I remember when I was little every Sunday morning Grandpa would come down the stairs and Grandma would look at him and say, “You’re not going to church looking like that!”. Then Grandpa would roll his eyes and sigh, then go back upstairs and take off his push-up bra, leather mini skirt, torn fishnet stockings and leather stilettos and change into a pair of black polyester dress pants and a white shirt.

I remember when I was little there was a terrible storm and after it was over there was this lesbian sitting on our front step. So I brought her inside and asked my Mom and Dad if I could keep her. They said no and I cried and cried. I don’t remember what happened after that.

Last Thursday I was just getting home when I bumped into my neighbor. I said, “Hey, Mike. How’s the wife?” And he said, “You killed her three years ago when you were fucking around with that remote control plane”. Right then and there I knew I was gay. No. Wait. Not gay. Remorseful, that’s the word I was looking for.

A Friend In Need

I remember one night I was sitting at home explaining to my young son about how life is just one bitter disappointment after another when suddenly I heard a knock at the door. I walked up to the peephole and couldn’t see anyone out there so I said, “Hello?”. Then a voice said, “Hey, open up! I need to talk to you!” So I opened up the door and there was this big moth sitting there. And he said, “Listen, I need you to turn on a really bright light tonight so I can have something to conk my head into over and over again. My wife’s got her sister over and they’re into the wine and watching Millionaire Matchmaker and talking shit about me”.

So I said OK.

I like a bit of a bad girl. But not the kind of bad girl that chokes me when I’m sleeping and beats me with a mop handle. So you can just get that idea out of your head.